My Journey Home...

Writing in a journal is therapeutic, and I've decided to share with you a sneak peak into my journey home from the hospital. I hope you will laugh a little and realize that I'm as real as any other person in the world. Thank you again to my wonderful friends and family who have made it easier. I have my days, and sometimes it's all I can do to keep from being grumpy. Sometimes, I even enjoy it! Have you ever felt like that? Human beings, we have so much to learn and sometimes it is the same thing over and over again. Here goes, the story of my first day home.... Written October 29th, 2008 Wednesday------- "Yesterday was a great day of realized "freedom" and beauty for the comforts of home. Mom came at 10 a.m. excitedly to pick me up. It was funny because I didn't have a thing to wear and she had forgotten to bring me the clothes she had packed. So--(I took a sovenir home...my beloved hospital gown). After an hour of anxious waiting, I signed my discharge papers and with a BIG Smile was wheeled down the hall past the nurses station and to the elevator where I saw Rose (now the manager over nurses). She helped in the delievery of Chase 2 1/2 years ago. She warmly said "goodbye" and I told her I'd be back--but not for a while. The young 20 year-old volunteer Elizabeth (somewhat different or at least not quite able to connect everything) was so sweet and inquisitive and she wheeled me out. She told me I looked so young (a sweet comment after 10 days of hospital privileges. :) She then told me that she had been a 1 pound 3 ounce baby. Now, that is a miracle. I couldn't have felt more honored and humbled. So I greeted the warm Vegas sun as mom drove me home. It was like a sweet dream...and I admit, I've never loved my home more, my children have never been so beautiful or perfect to me, my husband more charming, and my bathroom a perfect haven of "treasured personal liberties." By evening, sleep deprived and exhausted I kept my promise to stay on the couch until Jonathan came home from studying at midnight. *side note* My biggest obstacle right now is sleep, and it seems so extremely difficult for me to find that "special place." I have been consumed by fear of "heart racing episodes" and the thoughts of being taken from my home by ambulance back to the hospital. In the daylight--I feel less occupied by these fears and today, I'm exercising more faith. I had a nap this afternoon that revived me from the dead. :) It took me an hour to get there, but oh what peace. Last night (my first night home) when Jonathan arrived at midnight I was driven to tears and sobbing as he carried me upstared. I consoled myself with a longer than usual shower and waited until 12:30 a.m. for my heart medication in hopes to fall fast asleep. Jonathan took my blood pressure and checked my heart rate and assured me all was well. It never felt more comforting to be hugged and snuggled by my sweet husband. We talked and laughted. I told him how the nurse that discharged me from the hospital pointed out all the do's and don'ts of bed rest at home and right there in front of my mother told me the ills of having sexual activity. I was embarrased and laughing. Was she kidding? She must think I have an apple seed for a brain. It was none-the-less one more poke to my waning pride. :) What an experience I've been having. So needelss to say, I had nightmares all night that I had to go to the bathroom (very true) so many times that I finally peed on the floor on Jonathan's side and didn't even care. (Remember if you are reading this that it was all a nightmare.) Mom had broked a glass for reals earlier in the evening, so in my sleepless dreams I spent most of the evening picking up shards of glass and then scolding Kaidence for eating a piece and cutting her toungue. I indulged in cleaning out her ear with a bobby pin (one of my fettishes) and found more wax than you could imagine. AND, to top of this crazy nightmare, Jonathan and I were living in a cluttered, run-down shack with a downstairs full of mysterious, endless rooms you could only crawl in because the ceilings were 3 feet hight and then... a Gorilla (or a person dressed up in a gorilla costume) came after me. In my dreams, it never got past 12:30 a.m. and all I wanted to see was day light. Forget the sleep.----------------- By 7 a.m. I greeted the light, said goodbye to my nightmares and snuggled my sweet Kaidence and Chase. Chase came in and said, "Mom, you're here." "You not in the hospital?" So happy we were to be together. Today is my 3rd day home and while it feels so good to be here, I'm still adjusting to exhaustion and the fact that even if I do feel pretty good I can't do what I'd like. I'm reading a book on "Dare to Discipline your Children" and that all blew up in my face last night around 10 p.m. after I snuck in to lay by my distraught 2 year old Chase who all he wanted was his mommy to "hold him". After an hour and a half of endless chatter and sleepless child. I took him down stairs and gave him his first dose or half / dose of Benedryl. BIG MISTAKE. Caution to parents out there. I'm not one to drug my children to get them to go to sleep. This was my first time really. But the label does say...."may cause drousiness"... or "may cause excitebililty in young children especially" My lot was the latter. Chase (a rather bouncy, hyperactive boy) was litterally doing somersaults off the walls while I rolled my eyes at him and tried to coax him to sit by me and be quiet. He laughed, screamed, told me to "WAKE UP" and pretty much had the run of the downstairs. I was humiliated, tired and MAD. Mom came down, informed me that I might need some help and then I just bawled and told her I was tired of people doing everything for me... and mostly tired and worried that she was going to break her back carrying my 2 year old up the stairs to his room. Hey! I needed another good cry and boy did this episode start one. Back to my reading, I think I bettter pick that up when I can actually follow through and not make weak demands from the couch. :) Today is a new day. I slept better last night. I have plans to keep sleeping as my body has become greedy and needs all it can get. My sweet baby has never caused me grief as it is happily moving about, oblivious to the drama outside. I long to hold it in my arms and cherish the great blessing that every day from here is a miracle. Thanks for listening. I'm sure you got an earful. And as my dear friend Teddy Cunningham would say. I hope nothing in this entry "singed your eyeballs." Signing off, Mindi